An Apology for my Anger
A couple of months ago, I was angry and disappointed with a good friend.
Many who aren’t Jewish (and even some Jews) aren’t tuned in, do not see or understand the problem with rising antisemitism. I know this.
I have been sharing more about this topic because I feel it’s important to raise awareness. I’m taking action in my own to ways to combat it.
Because of my recent shares, this friend of mine questioned the legitimacy of the claim that its “on the rise”. To his defense, he’s not a bigot. He was legitimately trying to understand why I would consider it “on the rise” when its always been there. His main question was “what is different now?”. As a friend, he was concerned for me and my family.
I love this guy and we’ve had other “discussions” that start this way about less charged topics like cable vs streaming, what is good sushi, EV’s, AI, shit like that. I’m predisposed to his particular style of argument which tends to employ several fallacies of logic. I won’t get into the plethora of sources and articles, plus my own personal experience, I’ve shared on this topic, but none of that was good enough for my friend. He claimed to be legitimately, initially curious about this, but then it became a debate.
In hindsight, I think our competitive natures and my less than diplomatic response to his admittedly ignorant questions triggered a counter-argument that was innapporpriate.
More simply put, I was angry. I was angry and obnoxiously sarcastic in my response.. I was so angry that I ended the argument pointing out all the fallacies of logic he deployed and then calmly said “fuck you”.
Yeah… good for me, right. Calm is strong? A calm “fuck you” is still very hurtful. Especially to a friend.
Then, like all arguments of this nature, I felt bad about it. Of course, I know it never feels good. This is exactly the kind of anger I want to work through.
Just because I’ve addressed anger in other areas of my life, this is a perfect example of why this work is never done. Something else will trigger anger I am not expecting.
So I asked myself why I was angry.
I realized I was angry because I hold this person to a higher standard than I hold other people, perhaps even myself, because he is MY friend.
He is my true friend. We don’t have many of those. This is more than a drinking buddy. I’ve got plenty of those too, who would love to watch us get worked up on this topic. We served in the Air Force together, and we’ve seen him at least once a year, for the past 20 years. He knows my kids. I know his.
Now, I was upset because he literally does not know what I know, and has not thought about it as much as I have? I, admittedly, also question the significance of rising antisemitism. It’s a complicated issue with nuanced perspectives that interact with fundamental societal flaws. It was an opportunity to peacefully convey this, but my ego got in the way. My ego - my need to be understood, my need for validation - manifested as anger.
This is perhaps a justifiable reason for anger. Many would console me, and encourage my anger, or at least understand my decision to be angry, regardless of narrative. Maybe I was just looking for support, not an argument. Maybe there is something he should apologize for as well. That doesn’t matter, because I lost my temper.
I cannot be offended without my own consent. My feelings are one thing. I know why I feel angry, but to be offended and then respond like a jerk? That is my choice. I chose to respond with anger when I was feeling angry.
I need to be better than that. Marcus Aurelius says “you don’t have to turn this into something. It doesn’t have to upset you“. Anger is weakness.
Next time. My hope for next time, is that all this thought and preparation will yield a different result. Maybe next time I won’t need to apologize for being a jerk. Maybe I’ll respond in a thoughtful and wise way, less sarcastic, more understanding. Maybe I won’t take the bait.
I am a work in progress.
My friend, I want to believe, was seeking truth. I am grateful for him and I am sorry I treated him like someone I do not respect. I do. I sent a version of this apology to him.