Balance

Balance is applicable everywhere. You can’t talk about health, nutrition, the environment, parenting, politics, philosophy, religion, any subject without applying the concept of balance.

Ryan Holiday is in the process of writing four books on the cardinal virtues, Courage, Temperance, Justice and Wisdom.* I’ve heard him say something like “Wisdom is knowing how much to apply the other three virtues.” For instance, when it comes to Courage, there is a fine line between heroism and stupidity. “Discretion is the better part of valor”. True courage requires weighing risk, applying reasoned choice and balanced thoughts to act in spite of, but not ignoring, danger.

Balance is learned. It’s a result of experience. It’s an attribute of Wisdom.

Maimonides says “One should see the world, and see himself as a scale with an equal balance of good and evil. When he does one good deed the scale is tipped to the good - he and the world is saved. When he does one evil deed the scale is tipped to the bad - he and the world is destroyed.”

Balance is, perhaps, the principle that keeps the world from falling apart.

You can’t learn to ride a bicycle without balance.

In a chemical equation, we must balance both sides to make a reaction.

In martial arts, balance is the key to all the cool moves.**

In football, a balanced offense employs a running and passing strategy, and defense wins championships.

In weight lifting, we don’t “skip leg day” so our upper body isn’t out of balance with our lower.***

In corporate finance, a strong balance sheet means the company is healthy, there is ample cash, assets, and appropriate debt.

In politics, ideology too far to the right or too far to left leads to fundamentalism, Totalitarianism, and suffering.

Balance is one of the most important concepts to navigating the physical, intellectual and spiritual world.

Society talks a lot about something called “work-life balance”. What does this even mean? Work hard, Life hard?

To me, it means that both my work and my life need purpose. I’ve found that I can work without purpose for some time, but it will eventually feel phony and affect how I feel about myself, my family and friends. I’ve also been all about work with short term purpose at times, denied myself happiness, neglected my family and friends. It led me to the same place. Low feelings of self-worth.

I’m starting to learn through therapy, journaling, reading, and writing this blog, my self-worth is not derived from my work. It's been a long, 20+ year road for me to realize this.

When I was in high school, I was determined to get an appointment to the Air Force Academy. They said they were looking for balanced individuals. Athletes, scholars, leaders. So I spent 4 years trying to be the best runner on the cross country team, get A’s in all the Honors and AP classes, and be a “leader” in my high school. I was that guy.

Let me tell you something, this is not a recipe for balance. I got into the Academy, but associated my worth with all these achievements. My short term goals and habits were good. I may have balanced all these priorities in a seemingly “impressive” way, but I was so far out of balance in my head to get there. To be “impressive” is a topic for another blog. I cared more about how I seemed to people, than I actually was. Despite being voted “Most Likely to Succeed”, I had suicidal thoughts my senior year of high school. Unless they’re reading this blog now, none of my friends from this time know this. I hid it.

I saw a therapist for a couple sessions and was prescribed Prozac. It made me apathetic and less competitive at running. So instead of working through it, I put it aside. Kept on with my plans, without addressing it. I could hide it. I decided I just needed to toughen up. This is what the world told me was the best way to deal with it. Suck it up, buttercup.

At that time in the late 90’s and probably still very much today, discussing mental health was a liability. They weren’t giving Academy appointments and pilot slots to people with “mental health” issues, and probably still aren’t.

I legitimately swallowed those feelings and didn’t think about them for 4-5 years.

When I got to Colorado, I convinced myself all that hard work paid off. I had arrived. I just need to deal with 4 years of suck, go to pilot training, kick ass, fly for an airline. Boom, #winning. Many of my classmates have seemingly done this. God bless them.

I didn’t realize I was burned out at age 18 with unaddressed mental health issues. Without any direction, I subconsciously balanced my life by throwing out all the habits I’d created to get there. As much as military institution life allowed, I looked for parties and people looking to party. I started drinking, something I’d not allowed for myself in high school. These “parties” were not like the parties most people experienced in college. (I did end up finding some real parties at the fine institutions of greater Colorado, later) This was more like 5 dudes sneaking a bottle of something nasty and watching Tombstone in the dorms. Some of this I don’t regret. Certainly not Tombstone. This was my therapy. I have THE BEST friends from this shared experience.

Despite my growing friendships and self-therapy, I was on a path of bad habits, bad mindset. I prioritized a “good time”. Many of us did. We thought we deserved it. We “work hard, play hard”, right? Is this “work-life balance”? Nope. Not for me.

This led to more burnout, especially at a place where working hard is the minimum standard.

I was trying to “balance” grades, military duties, athletics, camaraderie and friendship, just like in high school, but I lost my reason. My why. My efforts were out of balance with my purpose because I had no purpose.  I quit cross country. My grades turned out to be below average. I stopped trying, and got by.

I continued to kid myself. I graduated from the Air Force Academy. Again, another “impressive” accolade. Very few people ask what your class rank is. There’s a joke among grads, “what do they call the lowest ranking member of a graduating class?”

2nd Lieutenant with a pilot slot. I was a 2nd Lieutenant, but lost my pilot qualification due to a color blindness indication test. My #winning plan didn’t work out. I was on a different path, which I am now very thankful for.

There are many academically low ranking, highly successful people out there. I’m going to take a wild guess and say those people learned not to derive their self worth from arbitrary scales. They don’t let the world define their success.

I’ve had to learn this.

Happiness and success are not mutually exclusive, but the only way I knew how to be successful was to sacrifice my happiness. Short term success. And then I sacrificed longer term success, for short term happiness.

Maybe you’re reading this, and thinking, “There is no other way to success. You have to sacrifice.” Yes, but not happiness. Pleasure, leisure, good times… sure. But not happiness. Not peace of mind. Not your self-worth.

Fast forward 20 years, I’m still working through this. I’ve had a lot of “what if” thoughts. Most of them are not worth spending time on. I’ve stopped letting myself do this because my path is my path. The biggest question I do wonder is what if someone had helped me work through my unhealthy, but very normal natural, thoughts when I was 17. Who would I be today?

I’m helping my own kids with this. More help is needed.

I’ve learned happiness ensues when purpose is pursued. You may have all the degrees, trophies, awards, and accolades, but if you let the world define your purpose, you will never be successful, nor happy. Happiness comes from service for others, setting boundaries, relationships, kindness, purpose, self-worth. I’ve had to balance the world’s definition of success with my own self worth.

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*Courage is Calling and Discipline is Destiny. I recommend all Ryan’s books and have read The Daily Stoic, every day for the past 3 years. He’s writing the Wisdom book last. My money is Balance will be a key concept in it.

**“Balance is my thing” - Daniel Laruso, Cobra Kai

***Lately I’ve realized how important mobility work keeps my back from hurting and my body in balance.

Bertrand Russell said “the hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn.”